97- Special Edition 5 - PTSD Awareness month (2) - PTSD 6 : evolution of dreams

***hopefully, this won't be, but in case:  ***trauma trigger warning***, if you also had trauma with your father*** 

As mentioned all the way back in post 63 (PTSD 3), part of the post-traumatic stress disorders reveals itself through 4 specific clusters. 

Today, I'll concentrate on the aspect of them : * re-living the event, through intrusive memories, nightmares or flashbacks. I've talked about that, too, already: I have had many nightmares and flashbacks, and until a few years ago also intrusive memories, until my memory started to fail (a bit of a blessing, but I also forget important non traumatic things and that's a problem).

I’ll concentrate on the intrusive nightmares, and tell you about the evolution in this matter. If you read my previous entries, especially the ones regarding my CPTSD (complex PTSD), you know that my life has been quite difficult.

My father had been verbally and physically abusive, and has dealt a huge amount of damage and trauma to my psyche, for a decade and a half.

For many years, I was haunted by horrible nightmares:

He would beat me up, just like he did in the waking world.

He would chase me at night, in darkened thick forests, and would systematically catch me and kill me in numerous ways: with his bare hands, a knife, or a sword. Sometimes he’d choke the life out of me, others he’d hit me repeatedly and leave me for dead, with blood all over the place… (hey, maybe that’s the source of my haemophobia instead of my nose bleeds? I need to investigate).

Sometimes, he’d just stab me with his knife or sword, but quite often would slice at me horrendously.

My nightmares had been very graphic, for many years. They would show up regularly, or periodically. Sometimes, I had whole weeks with only this kind of nightmares.

I would wake up, shaking and trembling, shivering and check my body for wounds and blood.

Over the years, the frequency waned. They used to leave a bad taste in my head, in my mind. I became quite preoccupied for days, and my sleeping patterns suffered.

Then, a few years ago, the nature of these nightmares changed: I started fighting back. This was during a period my overall mental health had improved, and I was talking more about my issues with my therapist than I had done until that moment.

So, the nightmares remained graphic, but I was fighting back. I had a knife, I had a sword. I was found in the forest, but didn’t let things happen to me. I was hitting and thrashing in my sleep, as my dreams were very vivid. 
The nightmares became night-empowering-dreams.
I was defending myself.  
I was escaping, eventually.

Then, these dreams became less and less frequent, less and less graphic. There was no more need to fight because I wasn’t found. I was escaping farther and farther, and became able in preventing the search altogether.

So, my nights became more peaceful, and eventually I had a couple years where I didn’t even recall any dream whatsoever.

Recently, I noticed that I could remember more dreams, once again. But they were usually of little symbolic or psychological interest.

My nights are far calmer. It’s possible for PTSD symptoms to diminish and disappear. Hopefully, this will be permanent – I really don’t enjoy those nightmares.

Although I’m not healed from my complex post-traumatic stress, or the many phobias which stemmed from my traumas, I do enjoy the improvement in this one department.

Today of all days, I wish I had a proper father to wish and celebrate, but instead I’ll be the father of my healing inner-child, so, happy father’s day to myself, and to all the good fathers out there…