43 - Posttraumatic cycles

Following upon post 9 regarding traumas and consequences ... One of these consequences are my difficulties when facing anniversaries of traumatic events, just as it is the case this week ...
I've been stressed the past few days, losing patience and easily became snappish with others, including my wife who doesn't ask anything else than to help me...





In fact, I'm very nervous and stressed over the anniversary of one of the most traumatic events of my life, the day my father took me away from my mother - to be precise as I have alluded to it here and there on my blog, I now say it clearly.

I wouldn't be who I am today without this key moment and all subsequent events which stemmed from it like a series of roads that one meets only once a specific crossroad is met and taken, and which allows or imposes to cope with other paths.

In my case, I have not chosen these difficult paths, including a very strict upbringing, a lot of physical and emotional abuse, and a succession of traumas which marked me, each in their own way, and forged the person that I became - for good and for ill.

I know through exchanges with friends that I developed some qualities that please and I'm glad for that part. I must be clear about this too: I have become who I am with some positive aspects through my trials .... These trials were essential to forge these qualities.

However, I will be very happy when I can cure many sequelae: major anxiety, disabling phobias, traumas and especially post-traumatic syndrome that at times rots my life and makes it very difficult to bare. 

To do so, I have been followed in a psychotherapy for many years now, and last year a diagnosis of social phobia was added to the lot... For a while, I had two psychiatrists, then one again because I wasn't making any progress with my social phobia, and two once more they shall be, soon.

And my tools to try to move forward ... to counter depression on the exact anniversary, I have already planned a skype session with a very good friend, and before that, I shall buy a poof - necessary for our special days and evenings with our friends who will come to visit us.

Also, I shall do something more fun like watching a comedy, dye my hair, talking with people to maintain friendships and pass away the negative ideas that hurl at me and overwhelm me these past few days ...

It is so easy to say to not think about it, but by nature, PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), it is not easy to do  because the automatic thoughts invade the psyche and I have to consciously dislodge them from there ...

If I could snap my fingers and wish it was enough to end this suffering, I would ... But I'm not Samantha the witch nor Merlin the wizard ... I am me and that's already good, but I have no magic wand.
I just need to keep working and cheat my brain and my psyche to find other things to occupy my thoughts and emotions, on the one hand, and on the other hand to create new reasons to celebrate these traumatic anniversaries (the one that concerns me here, or others), eg instead of that day I had such a traumatic event, it has to become 'oh this is the day I spend time with my friends or day for comedies', and ultimately these days can turn into normal days with no impact or significance tied to them, and thus live day by day and so not to fall or have cognitions, dreams, nightmares, flashbacks, like an invading army.

So, my friends, thank you for forgiving and being patient with me these days, I'm not doing very well and fight too many war-fronts simultaneously ...

Update 9:30 PM on 7th April, the day's almost finished and I've had no flashbacks at all, thus far, a first ever! I listened to music during my errands and at home, to occupy my brain and have skyped and chatted with some friends and could laugh, very helpful to avoid sinking into automatic thoughts.