4- chaotic path

The idea for this blog came to me after a chaotic journey. Indeed, for years I avoided many social situations, not knowing that I was suffering from ''social phobia'' and that I had an ''avoidant personality'', terms that I learned last year.
For years I avoided and just thought that I was introverted and hated the company of people - well, people I liked were few, and others, I avoided.



A friend I appreciate celebrated his 50th birthday, and as I knew that the majority of his guests were unknown to me, I declined to attend, for fear of being unwell, and it was after this refusal to participate that I arrived at a state of weariness regarding my fears of such avoidant situations. I decided to ask my usual psychiatrist to see more often to try to improve this condition.

This psychiatrist suggested I contact some other therapists in my city; specifically a psychiatrist who does what is called CBT: cognitive behavioral therapy, supposedly recognized for its benefits and effectiveness to deal with this kind of fear of others.
I made several calls to find one of those therapists who could receive me relatively quickly, especially as for some time (at that time), I had increasing panics attacks, especially in public transport in peak hours (but not only).





After a first appointment to get acquainted with my case and start my file, the therapist suggested I read two books and return to discuss them in a second meeting.
Thereafter, from session to session, this therapist asked me to make lists regarding the social situations I find difficult, but each new session he told me that I had not done what he wanted, and he wanted '' like this' ' in place. Following his new instructions, I returned the next time, to a request for another list , and this continued on for 5 sessions in one year.

The last appointment dates of January 2016, where he not only again asked me to do another list, but this time to my comment that I felt sluggish and I was only make lists for a year, he answered in a patronizing way : '' you will see it when it's done; it's too complicated, I can not explain it, '' phrase he uttered while filling the caresheet, facing me to an inevitable impending departure, depriving me from expressing any idea or request of other exercises to improve my life in social situations ...

In determining the date of the next session, he suggested a specific time. When I replied that I would arrive a little late because he always received me in an hour late each time, he simply pushed the official time of the appointment by an hour!
This time I left the meeting even more distraught than all our previous sessions and felt a complete failure: that of having nothing more than extra to do list, and of not being able to assert myself to my therapist.
Finding all this strange and shocking, I tried to find information about the normal course of CBT. I asked a psychiatrist friend who knew a little, but, not being a specialist, she could not help me see clearer.
I found the number of an CBT therapists' association in Paris ; I called for an answer even more discouraging: ''we are here for therapists who want to train but nothing for the patients, and there is no follow-up of therapists'' ... great! therefore, any therapist can learn, and after, do the therapy to his taste, including misinforming patients, and no one would know anything!

I was able to contact my usual shrink between sessions, to ask him if he had found the list he'd given me over a year and a half prior. Unfortunately, he couldn't, but told me to contact a university hospital service. After ten days numerous calls, I finally got to talk the suggested person, a CBT specialist who found it very strange that my current one still made me do lists, a step that was supposedly only at the beginning of therapy, but certainly not after 15 month.

On her advice, I confirmed my desire: I quit my therapy with the psychologist who did not suit me ( he didn't even question me on the phone when I announced my appointment cancellation!).
The person at the hospital noted down my details and told me she'd contact me once her colleague going on maternity leave would be replaced, possibly to take over my therapy. I intend to call back soon and make sure I wasn't forgotten on a post-it.

Meanwhile, since mid-December (2015), between two appointments and during a period of many social events, I have undertaken research on youtube : videos of testimonies of people who suffer like me from social phobias , panic attacks, and recently expanded to cyclothymia. I also listened to therapists speaking of the CBT, phobias, techniques etc.

I found a number of videos offering good ideas, in the myriad of videos - in French and English- on these topics, many videos that sometimes repeated, sometimes misinformed - or brought nothing new. I tagged the best so I could find them easily for future reference and shall blog about them separately.
Some people helped me, without knowing it, because I haven't yet dared to comment on their videos. I have, however, decided to do so very soon, to thank and give back to others in a fair exchange ... in society.
And here I find that in France, at least in my city, things seem complex. In Quebec, I have the impression that CBT is more effective - but on that, too, I shall speak elsewhere.

Realizing that some ''social phobics '' do not always have the right of personal affirmation tools facing their therapist, I thought that sharing this experience, it could help people tilt: If your therapist does not help at all, my advise is to look further and if necessary, change. A delay in therapy is more beneficial than a stagnation or, in my case, a decline ...
If I had not started my own therapy and exposure to social situations, with varying degrees of success, difficulties and constant internal battles, I know I was headed right towards total failure: to reclusion, without power to perform daily  tasks and shopping... nor anything else for that matter.
Desperate to avoid crumbling under this pressure, I also began to keep a diary for several days. Any tool to advance is good!
I wish you once again welcome on this blog and thank you for listening.